小猫小喵小年糕

摘自New York Times的一篇报道，第二段那首poem，太深得我心了。。。

By that, Ms. Dong did not mean that Chinese students had been repressed or censored by their own government. She meant that the Western news media had not acknowledged the strides China had made or the voices of overseas Chinese. “We are still neglected or misunderstood as either brainwashed or manipulated by the government,” she said.

No matter what China does, these students say, it cannot win in the arena of world opinion. “When we have a billion people, you said we were destroying the planet./ When we tried limiting our numbers, you said it is human rights abuse,” reads a poem posted on the Internet by “a silent, silent Chinese” and cited by some students as an accurate expression of their feelings. “When we were poor, you thought we were dogs./ When we loan you cash, you blame us for your debts./ When we build our industries, you called us polluters./ When we sell you goods, you blame us for global warming.”

我真是。。。sigh。。。为中华之崛起而读书！

全诗如下：When we were the sick man of Asia, we were called the yellow peril.
When we are billed to be the next superpower, we are called the threat.
When we closed our doors, you smuggled drugs to open markets.
When we embrace free trade, you blame us for taking away your jobs.
When we were falling apart, you marched in your troops and wanted your fair share.
When we tried to put the broken pieces back together again, Free Tibet you screamed, it was an invasion!
When we tried communism, you hated us for being communist.
When we embrace capitalism, you hate us for being capitalist.
When we have a billion people, you said we were destroying the planet.
When we tried limiting our numbers, you said we abused human rights.
When we were poor, you thought we were dogs.
When we loan you cash, you blame us for your national debts.
When we build our industries, you call us polluters.
When we sell you goods, you blame us for global warming.
When we buy oil, you call it exploitation and genocide.
When you go to war for oil, you call it liberation.
When we were lost in chaos and rampage, you demanded rules of law.
When we uphold law and order against violence, you call it violating human rights.
When we were silent, you said you wanted us to have free speech.
When we are silent no more, you say we are brainwashed xenophobics.

前两天看了一则新闻，说是现在哈佛最火的一门课是《幸福学》，选修的人数比《经济学导论》还多。那个教授说她刚开始教积极心理学的时候，只有8个人选她的课，还有2个人中途退课了。但是后来变成400多人，后来是800多人，现在甚至学生的爸爸妈妈奶奶爷爷都有来听课的。她说现在她站在讲堂上都快紧张起来了。

这则新闻有点来得正是时候的感觉，因为恰巧这段时间我在思索类似的问题。前几天还在跟鸟说，以前我是那种干坐着灵感都自己往外喷的人，创意刚刚的挥洒。但不知从哪天起，突然发现自己变得如此枯燥无聊，像是重复某些机械运动的机器一样。因为要思考毕业论文题目的缘故，我拿起本科毕业论文又看了看，突然发现我竟然无法找到比那个时候更好的题目和想法，甚至无法超越那个时候写的东西。何其悲哀。我突然意识到，当我的心思不再纯净，但灵魂被功利主义悄悄侵染的时候，上帝也收走了赋予我的所有灵感和天赋。

我在想，我到底想做什么？我到底追求什么？到底什么事情对我才是真正有意义的？到底怎么做才能感到幸福？我想到哈佛那个教授讲到的，她说幸福不是宝马别墅，甚至短暂的成就感也无法令人满足太久。是啊，这些道理如此浅显，谁人不知，谁人不晓，可又有几人能有权力和毅力去追求这样的幸福呢？也许只有在物质极大丰富之后，人们才会渐渐意识到曾经失去、正在失去和未来即将失去的东西。也或许，那便是中国十几年或者几十年后将要同样面临的情景。

我弟弟说，他现在就是彻底的拜金主义，他算看明白了，有钱就是能使鬼推磨。鸟说，只有那些第三代们才最有权力做艺术家。我说，至少现在，请还让我做个理想主义者。

我不知道这样的理想主义还能行走多远，也不知道命定要摔倒几跤和爬起几次，还是永远的攀附在阴冷的地面上长眠不醒。高中的时候，我说我会无翅前行，因为那时候看安妮宝贝，所以在感情的道路上我始终翱翔，尽管知道自己没有翅膀；现在我说我仍会无翅前行，尽管我已真正告别了薇安，告别了幽蓝文字的时代，但生活的无奈除了能折掉我的双翼，并无力吞噬我的灵魂。

我在msn上遇到了曾经在北青报的时候主管我们部门的主编，我说我突然意识到，其实金钱和权力对我而言从来都不是一种吸引力，尽管很多时候我们需要他们并利用他们。这个时候我突然想起皮最让我钦羡的地方，他永远都怀揣着自己的梦想，不论多少阻碍，不论多么艰难和迷茫。而金钱和权力，在他看来只是目标的附属品而已。也或许，正是如此，他才能一直保持着他的天赋。我说我正在刹车，我不想再偏离自己的轨道了，我应该去做我真正想做的事情。我想起在CCTV的时候主管我的领导曾经对我说过，他觉得最幸福的事情就是在他40岁的时候做了现在的工作，那才是他一生中真正想做的。我们主编说我如此小的年纪能想明白这个道理，实属不易。但我知道，其实我远没有那么清楚和明白，只不过，我是宿命论者。

鸟说，你太累了，你应该停下来歇歇。烧鸡说，看你应该挺强势的啊，没想到在感情问题上那么弱势。我弟弟说，你那弱势都是装的，你本来就应该是强势的。我说，那好吧，那我还挺能装，一装就是七年。我总觉得他们都还不了解我，当然，也有可能是我还不了解自己。但我不过在本分地做着我应该做的事情而已。我从来都不觉得自己是一个有野心的人，我只是尽量把每一件我正在做的事情做到最好。因为我把自己归为类完美主义者。很多朋友总喜欢把我的很多事情归为“个别案例”，跟我说，你的情况是particular。也许，我只是习惯了把一切事情想得好一些罢了。所以我跟烧说，我不是不靠谱儿的。

我现在突然感觉有些轻松，因为我又开始思考了。无论它们有多么的荒诞或是无知。所以我仍然觉得感恩。曾几何时，我甚至失去了思考的能力。也许我总是沿着皮的脚步的，也许我不知不觉中正踩着他的脚印前行。我们有的时候会经历同样的思想和步调，尽管我常常比他晚上很多年，尽管我永远不及他的清楚和明了。但至少这一次，我已从随波逐流的小船上纵身跳下。庆幸的是，I do swim。